


Do I Wanna Know?

by Mcd111



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, Bottom Alexander Hamilton, Declarations Of Love, Feelings, First Time Bottoming, Hamilton - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, Marriage Proposal, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Pining, Smut, Top Thomas Jefferson, Unrequited Love, complicated adult emotions, eliza is done with your shit, everyone is oblivious of literally everything, slowish burn, there is a surprising amount of crying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-09 00:56:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15255864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mcd111/pseuds/Mcd111
Summary: four months later and they still are just a casual fling, but nothing can ever stay easy.





	1. How Many Secrets Can You Keep?

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fucked My Way Up to the Top](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10137308) by [sunken_ships (sunken__ships)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunken__ships/pseuds/sunken_ships). 



> I read a oneshot about a month ago called "fucked my way to the top" and every since then it has inspired me to write a fully fleshed out story about it, I've got a lot of plans for this story. I'll try to keep the angst to a minimum lmao. basically four months after when the oneshot took place, obviously I'm disregarding the epilogue and making it my own so it's technically an alternate universe??? want to stay updated on this story and more? follow my twitter: https://twitter.com/mcd111A03
> 
> this was also written to the song "do I wanna know?" by the arctic monkeys (hence the name and chapter titles) because I saw this Animatic and it fit the story aesthetic i'm trying to write, watch that here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miD9DiJIyxc

_ Fuck  _ Thomas fucking Jefferson,  _ fuck him _ .

Nothing but rage and anger filled Alexander while he reached behind himself to to open the door to his dark apartment, genuine hatred that just further fueled his sickly strong passion. They had just had a particularly heated argument over…  Alexander couldn’t recall what they were fighting about at the moment but  _ damn  _ he was  _ pissed  _ off.

He could hear something fall on the floor as Thomas slammed him backwards, kissing him hard. So much adrenaline coursing through his veins that he didn’t even feel his head hitting the wall. Alexander moaned into the taller man’s mouth, intangling his hands in his hair. Thomas kicked off his shoes and slid off his jacket extending his neck forward slightly as to not break the kiss, Alexander doing the same. Stepping back to pull his shirt forward and over his head, connecting their lips and throwing the shirt to the ground.

“Thomas…” Alexander breathed out.

The moan went straight to his dick, he closes his eyes, groaning and tilting his head up while turning his face to the side slightly. “Jump.” he ordered out and Alexander immediately obeyed, wrapping his legs around Thomas as they moved backwards, Thomas sat back onto the couch and pulling Alexander back on top of him to straddle his own hips; never breaking their lips. 

Alexander had the advantage of height, using the new found leverage to explore Jefferson’s mouth and wrapping his arms around his neck. Deepening the kiss and pulling on his collar while Thomas lightly rests his hands on his waist. He lifts him slightly and moves him to be propped up with his back against the arm of the couch taking off his own shirt and throwing it somewhere in the room to be momentarily forgotten.

Alexander shimmies out of his own clothing and raises his knees up, his feet up flat on the couch cushions. Thomas watched as Alexander reached down rummaging in the coffee table drawer he sighed and his hands lifted out a half empty bottle of cherry flavored lube. Thomas reached his hand out and Alexander watched as he slick his fingers up, looking up to Alexander with his other hand on the brunette’s knee. Thomas leaned in to kiss him again, this time it was  _ softer  _ as he slid a finger into Alexander;  _ slowly  _ working him open.

_ Out of character for jefferson to suddenly slow down, we were about to fucking kill each other in the doorway _ .

“Condom?” Alexander looked up at him, _ christ he didn’t even bring a condom? What else do we do other than fuck? _ Thomas pulls a small dark blue square of latex from his dress pant pocket before shedding, and tossing it away the piece of clothing like it didn’t cost what it probably did. “You know it.” he said sarcastically between his teeth as he tore the plastic open, wearing a condescending smirk while rolling it on himself. Alexander put his arms around Thomas’ neck pulling him down on top of him muttering a flustered variation of  _ ’shut up’ _ . This had become routine yet it was never the same, they were almost violent with each other sometimes, it’s very strange for Thomas to gentle like he was earlier and Alexander decided to brush it off. Alexander wasn’t here for a fucking therapy session or some shit.

_ don’t over analyze it I’m just here for a good fuck and so is he; nothing more. I don’t know why but _

_ Why not? _

Thomas’ mouth latches onto where Alexander’ shoulder meets his neck, he knew the spot Thomas as looking for.

_ What is up with him? Why is he being so- FUCK! _

Alexander realized he said that last part out loud and Jefferson smirked against his skin and continued to very softly nibble at the spot. Thomas pulled Alexander’s legs up to aligned him up with his length, as he slowly pushed in Alexander tangles his fingers in Thomas hair.

“God, fucking- thomas, fuck.” Alexander’s toes curled and he pushed down against him, his eyes screwed shut. Everything was still, “God fucking move already.”

Thomas did just that, but  _ slow _ . He moved his mouth to Alexander’s mouth kissing him slowly, tongue caressing Alexander’s confused one. 

_ He’s treating me like i’m his fucking girlfriend or some stupid shit _ .

Alexander rolled his now opened eyes and decided to take things up a notch, he shoved Thomas down on the other side of the couch so now he was on top. He rocked his hips forward and gripped Thomas’ shoulders with both his hands; knowing he was close.

“Christ Alex..” Thomas groaned and thrust up into Alexander,  _ hard _ . Then with that Alexander was pushed over the edge and cumming all over Thomas’ chest; Thomas almost immediately following suit. Thomas relaxed a minute, dropping his shoulders and labored breathing was the only noise that the two made. Thomas lifted Alexander off him and stood up, putting his discarded boxers back on and turned to Alexander, but before he could get a word out Alexander piped up.

“down that hall, second on the left.’’ he said as if he read Thomas’ mind and Thomas looked in the direction Alexander was pointing to. He went down the darkened hallway, following the instructions he had given him and Thomas found himself in a small bathroom lit by above head yellow light. He turned the tap on and splashed some water on his face, trying desperately to get himself together.

_ You do not like Hamilton like that, he’s just someone I bang sometimes that’s it _ .

Thomas grimaniced at the thought of telling  _ anyone,  _ about this  _ how would you put it? _

 

_ Crush _ .

 

Plain and simple, he had a elementary school crush on Alexander Hamilton and  _ god  _ was it embarrassing. Thomas would rather have a week straight of bad hair days than admit that he  _ likes  _ Hamilton, and everyone knows how much Thomas loves his lion’s mane. 

Thomas tried to shove his feelings down his throat as he washed himself off, maybe if he pushed the feelings down far enough he could digest and shit them out.

_ Much like Hamilton’s political views. _

_ Hah. _

Thomas smiled to himself as he turned the tap off and reached for the door, flicking the almost burnt out yellow bulb off. He had never been to Alexander’s place before and it was  _ weird  _ to say the least; Thomas made his way back to the living room.

 

_ CRACK! _

 

_ Damm, a pretty bad storm must be coming.  _ The wooden floor feeling like ice on his bare feet, he reached to the floor and pulled on his shirt. Alexander was entranced in the tv a couple yards in front of him, knees to his chest, blank expression.

_ Citizens are being urgently encourage to stay indoors, but the storm should be clear in the morning, and I will repeat that it is strongly advised not to drive or go outside. _

“Guess I’ll be staying here tonight, that is if you don’t want to be responsible for my death.” a slight southern drawl snapped Alexander out of his thoughts as he felt Thomas’ weight create a dip onto the couch next to him. Thoms’ voice hesitant,  _ he had never stayed the night _ .

“U-Uh yeah, I mean- that’s f-fine with me.” Alexander looked like he had seen a ghost, all the blood drained from his face.

“You alright?” Thomas asked hesitantly, his eyes a bit confused at Alexander’s shift in mood from earlier. 

“I’m fine, I just-” Alexander winced at a particularly loud crack of thunder “Don’t like storms all that much.” he finished the statement with his eyes still shut and his shoulders still knitted together. All of a sudden the unforgettable annoying iphone ring and a fait buzz from across the room.

“Sorry that’s probably Madison, I forgot to tell him I was going out- Just, I’ll be right back.” Thomas got up and went to the entrance of the small apartment, leaning against the door.

“James- Christ, I’m fine.  _ Relax _ . I’m- I’m uh, at a friends place, staying the night.” Thomas shifted his weight onto his other foot and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know, I know- I’m fine,  _ mom _ . I’ll talk to you tomorrow- bye.” he decided to fully shut off his phone, not wanting to hear his overly concerned roomates’ texts, shouting him down.

He walked back to the living room and stopped dead in his tracks.

Hamilton was on the floor now sitting with his face between the knees that were pulled close to the rest of his trembling body; only sniffling could be heard over the reporters monotone voice.

 

_ Is he.. Crying? _

 

“Alexander..? Are you alright?” Thomas was so  _ shocked _ , he had  _ never  _ seen Alexander like this. knelt down next to him, putting an indecisive hand on his shoulder. Alexander instinctively slapped his hand off his own shoulder and shot up, pushing Thomas away from him.

“Don’t! Just- I  _ don’t  _ need your pity.’’ Alexander sobbed, lacing his hands on top of his head and paced backward, still shaking and still crying.

Thomas didn’t have the slightest idea what to do, Hamilton was always very,  _ how would you say?  _

_ Assertive _

With what he wanted, very straight forward. But right now he was yelling at him to get away, but his body language was yelling at him to  _ stay and hold him _ ; Thomas could see that in his eyes.

 

_ So that’s exactly what he did _ .

 

He slowly took a step towards him as he paced and wrapped his arms tightly around Alexander, he struggled against him yelling incoherent  _ ‘no!’s  _ and  _ ‘let go!’s  _ between choked sobs and tears seeped onto Jefferson’s shirt as he kept holding him close to his chest. 

“Shhh, you should sit down.” Thomas led Alexander onto the couch

_ Christ., can he feel my heart beating out of my fucking chest _ .

Alexander just cried harder against him and Thomas just held him tighter, whispering comforts into his ear. The two stayed like that for a while, Alexander’s crying began to settle down and his breathing started to regulate as the storm also started to calm down.

“Hey, c’mon let’s get you some water, alright?” Alexander nodded and Thomas decided to pick him up and carry him to the kitchen,for some reason in Thomas’ mind it just felt like _ the right thing to do _ . Alexander just wrapped his legs around him and his arms around his neck, his face was in the crook of Thomas’ shoulder and he was still softly crying.

Although they had become fairly close since the first encounter they had at the office, this was still very much  _ weird _ . Both the them collectively decided that it was only in their best interest to keep fucking on the side, for of course,  _ stress management and health reasons _ . So that’s what they did, and have been doing for the past four months; _ fuck buddies _ .

Thomas set Alexander down on the cold counter in the dark kitchen and looked around for a second before eyeing a glass cupboard that held plastic cups and plates, he opened it and seized a blue one. He looked over to Alexander as he turned the tap on, he was staring blankly at nothing in particular.

_ God he’s beautiful, even when he’s a complete mess, so beautiful _ .

Thomas quickly turned off the tap as he realized that it was almost brimming, and handed the icy water to Alexander.

“Are you...okay?” Thomas jumped onto the counter beside him.

“I mean honestly, not really.” Alexander was still slightly shaking, but then he laughed softly and shook his head a bit. “At least I don’t have to worry about you telling anyone back at the office about this, we crossed that part a while ago.”

Thomas chuckled too, “Yeah, you’re right.” Alexander took another sip out of the cup and they sat in silence for a while, not awkward silence;  _ comfortable  _ silence.

“Wanna watch some tv before the power goes out?” Alexander put the cup down next to him, and jumped down from the counter. He went back into the living room, Thomas following close behind.

Reruns of old  _ Greys Anatomy _ episodes played across the screen as they settled into the mediocrely comfortable couch, Thomas put his arm around Alexander and he put his head on his shoulder. They watched cheesy daytime television romance until they both fell asleep, tangled limbs spread across the couch.

 

Early the next morning, light flooded into the living room. Sun finally coming out after a long night of storms and crying. Thomas pet Alexander’s hair slowly and gently, looking at his relaxed sleeping face. He looked so tired, emotionally and physically but so,  _ peaceful  _ at the same time. Thomas realized something that he didn’t really want to think about.

_ I love him. _

_ Dammit, dammit, dammit. _

_ I actually do fucking love him and I’m digging myself into a hole I can’t get out of. _

_ Dammit. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mcd111a03


	2. It Makes Me Think Of You Somehow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cherry Red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is HELLA late, I'm sorry It's been a hot minute. this ones a bit longer and shit goes DOWN so there's that, the reason it's so late is that I re wrote it like 3 times and it's still not exactly where I want it but I've got to put it down at some point. 
> 
> want updates on this story and more? follow my twitter: https://twitter.com/mcd111A03

Thomas slid open Alexander’s office door with his elbows, hands full with two to-go cups of coffee.

“I’m pretty sure this constitutes a hostile work environment“ Alexander murmured sarcastically, not looking up from his monitor as Thomas sat down.

“Oh relax it’s just coffee, you’ve been working so hard, just take a break.” Thomas broke eye contact

“I’m  _ fine _ .” ALexander clenched his teeth, it sounded more like a warning than an answer. It had been 2 weeks since  _ that night _ , and that was the last time they had been  _ intimate  _ together. 

“Wanna go out tonight? You and me, let me buy you dinner, my treat.” Thomas smiled at him and Alexander just sighed.

“Thomas… I’ve got a lot on my plate, I need to get in touch with this complete  _ asshole  _ congressman.. I don’t have time for  _ this  _ right now. ” Alexander gestured with his hands, the more Exasperated Alexander got, the more Thomas could feel his patience slipping

_ ‘This _ ? What is  _ this _ ? I’m just trying to be nice because the last  _ real  _ conversation we had was over two weeks ago and _ I miss you _ .’ is what Thomas wanted to say but all that came out of his mouth was ‘’No worries, I also just wanted to check in with you. we haven’t talked much recently, you alright? You don’t look good, Alex.” Thomas was genuinely concerned, Alexander looked like he hadn’t slept in a month,  _ well _ worse than _ usua _ l. He had an unkept five o’ clock shadow, his hair was greasy, and he looked a bit  _ green  _ if Thomas was honest.

“I told you  _ I’m fine _ , Jefferson.” Alexander rubbed his face.

“You don’t  _ look ‘fine’ _ ” Thomas made air quotes

“Yeah, well why do you care?” Alexander suddenly slammed his hands down on his desk, making a startling loud noise; looking up at him with wide bloodshot eyes.

“Alex, I’m just  _ trying  _ to be  _ nice _ . You  _ really  _ need to  _ chill, Lexi _ I just-.” Jefferson was then cut off by Alexander.

“Hamilton! My name is  _ Hamilton  _ at work! And I’m currently  _ at  _ work and it would be  _ nice  _ if you would stop  _ pestering  _ me and leave,  _ Jefferson _ .” Alexander spat at him, returning his eyes to the paper he was writing on.

“Okay well, I’ll just leave if I’m such a bother.” Thomas snapped defensively, rushing to leave without another glance.

_ He’s so inconsiderate, fucking Hamilton always starting shit! I was trying to be nice but it’s never enough for him. _

Thomas storms back to his office, blood roaring in his ears and the back of his neck burned.

_ who was the one to help him that night? Me. who was the one who didn’t blab to everyone that he can’t man up through a little storm? Me. who never even got a thank you? Me! He can’t spare a casual conversation without being a complete asshole? _

Thomas was like a jealous teenage girl, he was writing out a report with such vigor and he didn’t even notice he was being so forceful until his pen suddenly ripped a hole in the paper.

“Dammit!” Thomas yelled out to nobody, he sat back in his chair and rubbed his forehead; trying to think rational and calm thoughts.

_ I’m not his boyfriend, I have no right to be mad. I’m just somebody that he fucks _

_ That’s it. _

Tears stung at his eyes, screwing them shut and he dug the heel of his hands into his eyes, wiping them with his forearms slowly.

“Hey did you get that- oh, uh you okay?” Thomas looked up to see a deeply concerned yet confused James Madison with his cellphone in his hand. Thomas quickly threw himself together, using his sleeve to clear the tears on his face.

“It’s nothing- I’m fine, what’s going on?.” his voice strained and his face visibly irritated.

“You sure?” James raised an eyebrow “I mean, I can come back later..” he trailed off.

“No.” Thomas said firmly. “What’s up?” he forced a fake smile

“I just wanted to show you this meme I found.” James continued and handed his phone to Thomas.

“Oh hah, send that one to me.” Thomas smiled at the screen, handing it back to James.

“Right… I’ll  _ uh _ , see you later.” James slipped out of the office. Thomas sighed and sat back in his chair, he was dragged back into reality by a  _ ping  _ from his computer.

 

_ Meeting in 10 minutes: French Allies _

_ James Madison _

_ Alexander Hamilton  _

_ George Washington (leading) _

_ Charles Lee _

_ Thomas jefferson _

_ Angelica Schuyler _

_ Hercules Mulligan _

_ Aaron Burr _

 

Thomas lets out a frustrated groan, throwing his head back. After he sulked for a couple minutes, thinking about nothing in particular he reluctantly trudged to the meeting. It was a fairly small meeting, only seven people but he was specifically worried he wouldn’t be able to survive this meeting without commiting a felony in the state of New York.

Everyone was present when Thomas entered the room, a shiny black long table; Alexander at the far left with both his hands in front of him, fingers intertwined. He looked toward the door but not a split second later darted back to the papers in front of him. Alexander’s shoulders were knitted together and hair spilling out of his half hearted and  _ quite pathetic  _ messy ‘bun’ (if you could even call it that at this point). He looked like a complete and utter mess, the white glow of the power point behind him.

“Nice of you to join us, secretary Jefferson.”  Washington piped up, Thomas nodded to him and clicked the door shut behind himself. Thomas tucks a strand of hair behind his ear and it promptly falls back out but he’s too worked up to care at this point, he shuffles to a chair and tries not to look like his skin is on fire.

“Now that I have everyone’s attention, I would like to open a conversation about our french allies and their internal struggle” Washington explains as he stands up, “It would be of the utmost importance that we have to tend to this I dare say state of  _ emergency _ .” 

“That’s a harsh word, sir.” Alexander interjects 

Thomas scoffs

He’s itching for a fight, he knows it. Why start a fight? It really isn’t the time for that, but it also begs the question…

 

_ Why not? _

 

He knows fully well that he’s starting something before he’s even heard the _ probably  _ outrageously assine argument Alexander’s about to pitch.

And he knows even better that Alexander will take  _ any  _ bait  _ any  _ day.

“Something to share? Mr. Jefferson?” Alexander locks eyes with him, looking straight into his soul. Thomas stays aloof, Alexander is practically staring right through him.

“No, sir.” Jefferson clears his burning throat, Washington talks a bit longer and Thomas is almost half listening. He understands in summary that Washington hasn’t really formed an opinion and he’s more looking for feedback, he wants a conversation with our top associated branches.

“We just got our own national freedom, should we really be starting another fight when we’ve just won ours?” Alexander challenges.

“So we just leave them out there high and dry? I knew you were shallow before but this is truly a new low, even for you Hamilton.” Thomas knew he had just started something that there is no way it can go back into its box now. “ _ Madison _ ? Back me up here?” Jefferson looked to him.

“I-  _ uh-  _ have to go,  _ sorry _ .” James straight up  _ left _ . Alexander thought he could hear Burr sigh but maybe that’s just his imagination.

 

Then things started to get  _ exceedingly  _ unprofessional,  _ exceedingly  _ fast.

 

“We don’t have the funds! I know a spoiled little rich  _ cuck  _ like you wouldn’t understand the issue!” Alexander essentially yelled at Thomas, everyone else had left about and hour ago and the pair just couldn’t seem to break it off; so they continued.

“Yeah, well, we all can’t be dirty hood rats like you, Alexander.” Thomas shot back.

“I Told you not to call me that,  _ Jeffershit _ .” Alexander gritted his teeth.

“Well I didn’t listen.” Thomas retorted. “where was it? The caribbean?” Thomas dramatized his confusion with his arms across his chest. “ _ Is that why  _ you can’t stand a little water? Little Alex got rained on and now he’s forever an  _ insufferable cunt! _ ” Jefferson was vibrating with anger, he wasn’t even thinking. He was just spitting out words with venom and true frustration boiling in his words.

Thomas turned around, shoving his hands through his sweat soaked roots. He heard the door click shut and he turned around to be met by nobody, _ Alexander had left _ . Thomas’ heart sank down and dropped to the floor and rolled away just like his dignity at this point. no awful remark, no comeback, not even a goodbye. 

That very second, Thomas realized he’d just made  _ a really fucking big mistake _ . 

He glanced at the clock and it read  _ 11:46 pm. _

_ Goddamm. _

Thomas Grabbed his suit jacket and took off  _ running  _ to catch up with Alexander, barely making it out of the office and dodging co workers. He whips his head around, looking for Alexander, running down the stairs and looking around  _ what felt like aimlessly _ . Thomas twisted the corner to find Alexander leaning against the wall of the parking garage, smoking a cigarette with his suit jacket slung over his shoulder.

“Alexander?” panted

“Thomas” said blankly, not tearing his eyes from the other wall in front of him where they are firmly planted.

“Alexander,  _ please _ .” Thomas put a hand out toward him

“What, Thomas? What could you possibly want from me?” Alexander turned to him sharply, eyes narrowed and glassy with tears.

“I just want to talk, okay? You know I didn’t mean  _ any  _ of that, I wasn’t even thinking, I’m  _ sorry _ .” Thomas pleaded.

“Oh oh oh really?” Alexander laughed, tears streamed down his face. “I feel like it’s pretty much over now, what more is there to say? I’m sure that got your points across earlier.” Alexander points his hand where Thomas had came from. “I don’t need this, you know? I got a job offer from  _ Waldsmith _ , and I’m  _ actually  _ considering staying! How  _ assine  _ is that?!” Alexander laughed emptily in spite of himself, still crying.

“The firm in San Francisco?” Thomas gulped, his heart was in his throat.

“Yeah that’s the one, I don’t need your fucking shit while I try to get my own shit together.” Alexander flicks the forgotten cigarette onto the ground and grinds the sole of his shoes on it.

“Wait, so you’re actually going to leave? That’s on the other side of the  _ fucking  _ country! Do you  _ even  _ know anyone? Alex! Why didn’t you tell me?!” Thomas’ head was swimming,

_ he can’t leave, he can’t leave, he can’t leave. _

_ He can’t leave me. _

“Why do you  _ even  _ care? What the fuck is up with you lately, _ that night _ .. When we fucked you were all  _ possessive _ . You’ve been  _ checking up on me _ and it’s fucking  _ freaking  _ me the  _ fuck  _ out.” Alex dug the heel of his hand against his forehead. “We don’t  _ check up on eachother,  _ we argue and we fuck, _ That’s it _ . So why do you  _ even  _ care!”

“I don’t care!” Thomas lied straight through his teeth.

“Bullshit.” Alexander spat at him “Why? What the fuck is your deal? How is literally  _ anything  _ I do any of  _ your  _ business?!” Alexander just stepped closer. 

“You made it my business when you barged into my office and regularly started  _ mounting  _ me four months ago!” Thomas yelled back.

“No  _ wonder  _ nobody can fucking stand you!  _ I  _ sure fucking can’t.” they were at an arm’s length from each other.

“Fuck,  _ Alexander _ !” Thomas turned around and staggered a bit, clawing at his involuntarily tear infected eyes. “Fuck…” he breathlessly trailed off, “Not everyone gets to just blurt out how they fucking feel all the damn time!” he turned back around, locking eyes with Alexander.

“Fuck you.” 

“Fuck you.”

“What are you trying to do?” Alexander glaring up at Thomas.

The split second Alexander said that, they mutually started _ ripping each other apart _ . The kiss couldn’t really be called a  _ kiss  _ really, it was just teeth and force. Tears still stained both their faces. Thomas shoved his hand into Alexander’s slacks and started undoing his pants, still roughly kissing his and pinning him to the wall with his other hand. Alexander’s hands are on Thomas’ shoulders and he’s kissing Thomas like it’s the last breath of oxygen he’ll ever receive, like it’s the last time they’ll ever see eachother; Alexander has gotten his tears under control, the same cannot be said about Thomas. Thomas is still crying whilst kissing Alexander with the same vigor and pure passion and honest frustration that Alexander is.

Thomas migrates to Alexander’s neck, he starts biting and marking him. Alexander lets out a groan that he’s not proud of but too caught up to notice or care in any way shape or form. 

“Why don’t you just  _ ah- _ mark me up like a fucking- common whore, _ jesus christ _ you fucking asshole.” Alexander sarcastically remarks through clenched teeth. 

“My place is closer.” Thomas pulls away for only a second to say that. 

The mood shifts to them practically  _ jogging  _ to the subway and holding hands, kissing on the (thankfully nearly empty) ride over and basically dry humping each other in the corner while an old white married couple looked in horror; neither of them cared.

They took off their coats and shoes and dashed for Thomas’ bedroom, Alex walked backwards smirking at Thomas as he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it to the ground. Thomas shucks his own shirt and takes off his belt, watching Alex fling himself back onto the silky smooth sheets he has come to know  _ too  _ well.

“Mmmm…” Alex mused at the feeling between his fingers, Thomas crawling on top of him, elbows on either side of Alex’s face. Thomas slowly sucked bruises into Alex’s neck as grinded down on him. Alex gripped his shoulders and pushed him to the side, he crawled on top of Thomas; straddling him.

“Alex?” Thomas interrupted Alex’s steady movements on his dick with his shifting.

“Mmhmm?” Alex purred against the spot on his neck where a bruise was being made.

“I was  _ ah- _ wonder if maybe you w-wanted to, you know…  _ take the lead? _ ”

Alex pulled away to look at Thomas “I mean, if you  _ want _ , I can-  _ yes _ .” Alex cups Thomas’ face and leans down, kissing him again.

“I’ve actually,  _ uh _ , never done  _ that  _ before. With  _ anyone _ .” Thomas had a hard time keeping eye contact.

“Oh… That’s okay, we can just go slow.”  Alex reached over into the drawer he knew kept,  _ the goods _ . What must have been  _ at least 20  _ different bottles of exotic flavored and gimmicky lubes and 7 different types of condoms, all hidden in a special place by his bed. The first time Alex saw it, he couldn’t help but laugh his head off because:

_ “Who needs that many different lubes?!” _

Alex had teased through tear filled laughter.

This time he just blindly picked the least adventurous looking one and a condom, settling in between Thomas’ legs, Alex was sitting on the heels of his feet and watched him wriggle out of his suit pants and kick them to the floor. cherry flavored bright red lube was the lucky winner today and cherry red seemed to match lot’s of things in his life.

Alex started gently stroking him and he slid his slicked up index finger up to the first knuckle, slowly working it in; he also took Thomas into his mouth gently.

_ Cherry red, like his nose out in the cold getting hot overpriced coco with Alexander _ .

Thomas held onto Alex’s shoulders as he worked another digit in, Thomas’ breathing was irregular and ragged, letting breathless _ ‘Alexander’s’  _ before he could care to stop them. Alexander looks at Thomas’ face, he starts to understand why Thomas would stare at him while he did this; he truly did look like a piece of art that he wanted to commit to memory.

_ Cherry red, like the burning passion so obviously spilling from my eyes like an ocean of roaring and unruly waves of what truly is it’s opposite. Fire. why does he never notice? _

He arched his back and pushed against Alexander’s hands, longing for more. 

“Ready?”   
“Ready.”

_ Cherry red, like my split lip after a meeting with Alexander last month that ended in a fist fight and then eventual laughter at our own stupidity _ . 

“God, so good Alexander..” Alexander was thrusting into him slowly, Thomas desperately trying to pull him even closer, which wasn’t even possibly but Thomas wished it was. Alexander reciprocated that same feeling, he  _ wanted  _ to-  _ no _ , he  _ needed  _ to be  _ even  _ closer; Thomas’ legs wrapped around his waist.

“F-faster Alex! Yes! Yes!”

_ Cherry red, like a spilled shirley temple dripping out of an already fragile to begin with shattered glass _ .

Alex came hot and hard, deep inside him. Then one, two, three more slams into Thomas “ _ ILoveYouILoveYouILoveYou!”  _ Thomas continued to babble more  _ ‘I love you!’ _ s as he rode out his own climax. Alex just pulled out, he stood to chuck away the condom; Thomas stay laying on the bed a complete wreck. When he started to come down from his intense high, fear and regret started to flood his systems, Alex was already dressed and outside the doorway of the bedroom. He bolts up.

“Alex!” Thomas hastily put on his boxers, he winced when his feet his the ground; pain shooting up his spine. Thomas swore under his breath as he did his best to run after him, “Alex! Wait!”.

He finds alexander reaching to put on his coat, Thomas decides not to pussy out of this one; he takes a breath before speaking as firm as he possibly can.

“Don’t go.”

“I can’t do  _ this _ , Thomas.”

“ _ This?”  _

“ _ This _ .” Alex gestures between them. “You know what you said.” Alex straightens his collar.   
“I know what I said. I  _ meant  _ it.”Thomas clears his throat, he keeps his face planted toward Alex but his eyes wander to the side.

Alex looks extremely amused.

“Yeah, no.” Alex throws his hands up “I can’t do this.” he laughs bitterly, Thomas is confused for a moment.

“Alexander,  _ think about it _ , put politics aside for one goddamn minute and think about how great of a pair we are.” he takes Alexander’s hands in his own. “You have to feel the same as I do, think about  _ us _ , think about  _ this _ .” Thomas didn’t even realize he was crying until he suddenly tastes salty tears and became acutely aware of the wetness on his face and eyes. 

Alex just looked at him in shock for a sew beats, processing what _ the fuck  _ just happened.

“Stop telling me how I feel all the fucking time!” Alex yanked his hands out of Thomas’ and staggered back, looking at Thomas’ genuinely hurt expression. “I have to go.” Alex grabbed the door handle from behind him and left without another word.

He could hear Thomas calling after him but he just kept going, not looking back.

When Alexander got back to his noticeably  _ colder _ ,  _ smaller _ , and definitely  _ emptier  _ apartment, he felt sudden emotions take him over. He sunk down onto his knees, pulling them close to his chest. He melted apart on the floor, Alexander didn’t think this is how his Friday night would go at all. 2 am, him sitting on the floor bawling his eyes out over someone telling them that they love him? How pathetic is that. 

Eventually Alex drags himself up from the floor and decided he may as well just go to bed, he didn’t want to do anything else. He promised himself that tomorrow he would shower and figure himself out, objectively he knew he had been working hard and probably didn’t look too great. It didn’t take long for Alex to enter the grappling abyss of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mcd111a03


	3. I had no idea that you're in deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very bro™ talk about feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mcd111a03

James unlocked the door to his shared apartment, he set his suitcase down by the door he closed behind himself.

“Thomas? Are you home?”   
He walked down the hall, dress shoes clacking against the wooden floor. He found Thomas sprawled on the couch in sweatpants and a white tank top,  _ Titanic  _ was playing on the flat screen and a box of wine rested on the edge of the coffee table. Thomas just looked at him and held out his bowl of popcorn, ushering him to sit down.

“Oh my  _ god _ , Thomas…” James raised his eyebrows and Thomas just pulled his blanket up to his chin as continued to be stared at.

“Well no popcorn for judgers.” he grumbled and looked back to the screen, Rose was standing on the ledge of the ship, contemplating suicide (Thomas was greatly empathising with her in this moment).

“What  _ happened _ ?”   
Thomas didn’t answer, he looked to the side and grabbed a pillow, squishing it against his face and James rolled his eyes as he heard  _ Thomas, a grown ass man, _ muffled screaming.

“ _ Thomas _ .”

“ _ James _ .” he uncovered his face, “Boy troubles.” he said finally.

“Oh  _ great _ , is it that blonde who lives on 81st?” James got up, walking back toward the kitchen in the spacious apartment. Both of them were far too wealthy to even have roommates but they enjoyed each other’s company, they grew up together so it just seemed natural when they coincidently got a job at the exact same law firm.

“ _ No _ .” Thomas sat up and put his arms across the back of the couch, resting his chin on his laced fingers. “I don’t know if I could ever begin to explain this one.” he sighed.

“Try me.” James looked up at him from where he was currently making a cup of tea, Thomas turned back and paused the movie before turning to James again

“Well,  _ uh _ , you’re well acquainted with Mr. Alexander Hamilton… we’ve been having a  _ considerable  _ amount of ‘ _ meetings’  _ for a  _ considerable  _ amount of time…” Thomas sighed, looking down. “And I may have said something to break our very fragile agreement.”

James’ jaw positively  _ dropped. _

“Whaaaa...”

“I know.”

“Holy shit Thomas, _ Alexander? _ ” James threw out his tea bag out, he walked towards Thomas then stopped “Thomas I’m going to be real with you, that might just be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” James chuckled and sipped his tea, Thomas just looked back at him with a worried frown and James piped up again “Oh dear lord, you're serious.” he sipped again “how the actual  _ hell  _ did this even start?”

And so Thomas explained everything, the night in the office, the storm, he didn’t feel much like talking about the  _ I love you’s. _

“Oh, ho, ho, dude you are  _ fucked…  _ literally?” James laughed.   
“James, what am I gonna do?”

“Don’t ask me, I haven’t been on a date in like… 2 years.”   
“Me and Alexander aren’t  _ ‘dating’, _ we don’t  _ ‘date’ _ .” Thomas made air quotes.

“Why don’t you two go on one then? You already fuck so why not wine and dine?” James giggled, still finding that Alexander and Thomas being able to tolerate each other long enough for them to have sexual intercourse; very amusing.

“I actually invited him to dinner yesterday and he started yelling at me… I think he was just stressed from work.”

“And this was before you called him a dirty immigrant and then banged?” James continued to joke.

“Yeah yeah, alright you can go fuck yourself, jay.” Thomas smirked as he got up from the couch.

“Why don’t you try doing it sometime instead of having angry sex with your co workers.” James yelled as Thomas left the living room to go to his bedroom.

Thomas walked over to his desk and looked at his work document, mostly old stuff about the finer details of Hamilton’s plan that he manipulated some sleazy congressmen into voting for, he shook his head in an unsuccessful attempt at riding his mind of Alexander. Turning to open his vinyl player and put the needle down on one of his favorite records, a Frank Sinatra best hits, he hopped onto the end of his bed as Fly Me To The Moon filled his ear. He laid back on the silky smooth, purple satin sheets with his feet still on the floor he stared up at the white ceiling.

He closed his eyes and images of Alexander infiltrated his mind like some sort of disease, He groaned and rolled over to his side; pulling his knees to his chest. 

His cold sheets still smell like him and could feel tears sting behind his eyes but pushed them down and promptly got up from the bed, he took a deep inhale and held it for a couple seconds, then opened his eyes again and exhaled.

“Okay.” Thomas said aloud to nobody.

_ It’s been a week and I feel like that’s a sufficient amount of time to mope, now get your shit together _ .

Thomas had called Washington and told him that he had business in monticello to attend to,  _ which was technically true _ , the business he owns is losing employee’s suddenly. But that’s just the cherry on top of the shit show that is his life right now. He went to strip the bed of everything, sheets, blankets, pillows. Thomas brought everything to the washing machine and chucked them in. 

he set it for _ heavy clean. _

Then started back for his room with a determined mind, he first gathered up any hoodies or shirt, or...  _ underwear  _ that belonged to  _ him  _ and put them in a box. He then went to the debt plan papers on his desk and added to the  _ ‘thou who shall not be named’  _ box. Thomas went over to his bedside drawer and picked out a bright red cherry flavored bottle and threw it in, and finally to his bathroom to add Alex-  _ his  _ toothbrush also. 

_ It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him, he doesn’t want me. That’s fine, I don’t want him anyway _ .

“So you’re either moving out or you’re making an Alexander box.” a voice interrupted Thomas’ thoughts, he ignored James. “Seriously what happened that’s so bad that you are exterminating all trace of him?” James continued to laugh.

“I made things too complicated like I always do.” Thomas replied without turning to face him and continuing to fold Alexander’s clothes to put in the box.

“And?” James urged “what’d you do? Why the hell are you so _ torn up? _ ”

“I’m not!” Thomas said defensively

Thomas sighed “Jesus Christ, It’s so embarrassing.” Thomas sighed and turned around to face him, James was just walking toward him slowly from the door frame. 

“How long have I known you? It can’t be as bad as that time Junior year when you and Sally Hemings were in the forest and I walked in on you two-”

“Okay!” Thomas cut him off “we were… Okay,  _ uh… _ ” he crossed his arms as James sat on the bare bed. “Having sex.” he said firmly

“Okay...” James chuckled

“Right there.” Thomas pointed to exactly where James was sitting, James bolted up.

“Ew man! I could’ve gone my entire life not knowing that!” Thomas laughed and followed James back out to the kitchen. “Goddamn you people… alright so back to you and Hamilton having sex, then what happened? Or were you so bad he broke up with you on the spot?”

“Okay one, me and Alexander aren’t dating and we never were, we don’t  _ date _ . two, I’m amazing, my reputation in france is-”   
“I know about your  _ ‘rep’ _ , get on with it.”

“Fine… I told Alexander I loved him.” Thomas trailed off.

“I mean what’s so bad about that? Does he not love you back? _ I mean what’s there not to love, _ I mean  _ you’re a good looking person- really good  _ in my opinion. well I mean not in  _ that  _ way but not,  _ not  _ in  _ that  _ way...  _ I just _ ..” James sighs “what was so wrong?”   
Thomas leaned forward and put his elbows on top of the counter, burying his face in his hands, then his muffled speaking began.

“I shouted just about a hundred times that I loved him in the middle of us  _ having sex. _ ”

_ Silence _ .

“Wow.” James said, shocked “You weren’t kidding, that’s pretty bad.” his voice trailed off “what are you gonna do?”

“I have no clue” Thomas replied blankly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Well, do you… actually  _ mean  _ it...?”

“Jesus fucking Christ…” Thomas laughed an hollow laugh “I was only just  _ messing around _ and now…” he got up “yeah, I  _ mean  _ it.” he said as he left the bedroom.

“Where are you going? It’s 1 am!” James called after him.

“Honestly? I don’t know!” Thomas grabbed his keys from the hook.   
“ _ Thomas! _ ” James heard the door slam as he called after him again but it was too late anyway.

* * *

 

_ Earlier that day... _

 

Alexander wakes from a dreamless sleep and he already knows without looking it’s way too late to be just waking up but he doesn’t care.

_ 2:37 pm _

_ Great _

Alex just threw himself back, his head hit the cotton pillow and memories that he’d been trying to forget started to flood his mind. The ‘ _ I love you’s,  _ the insults, the crying.

_ Great _

It had been a week and Alexander still couldn’t stop thinking about it, if he didn’t tell someone soon he was going to explode. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed and rubbed his face,  _ shower Alexander jesus christ _ ; He mentally scolded himself. He shuffled to the bathroom and turned on the shower, waiting for the water to heat he went over to the sink and grabbed his toothbrush. As he brushed he looked at his hair, greasy and just a bit too long, Alexander started to think about how long he’s had this long hair;  _ maybe it’s time for a change. _

After a shower that was far hotter than it needed to be, he pulled on a worn green hoodie and jeans; slipping on a hoodie jacket and sneakers before leaving the apartment.

 

“Are you sure you wanna cut it  _ all  _ off? Alex, are you okay? Did something happen?” Alexander’s long time friends and luckily, hairdresser Eliza schuyler looked at him with concern.

“Yes, I’m sure, nothing happened... Just felt like I needed a change.” Alexander said as he laid his head back and Eliza just sighed and looked at the magazine clipping Alexander had given her as reference.

“Whatever you say boss.”

Then about thirty minutes and about four different hair gels, Alexander left with uncomfortably cold ears and a not feeling any different.

 

It was about 4:30 pm on a saturday and John and Alex were watching food channel and pre turn up drinking pre suspiciously fruity flavored vodka from Lafayette, apparently the cheapest stuff they sell at ABC’s is “trash”.

“Nah dude, she’s totally gonna win, asian kids always win.” John threw his hands up in argument, he was talking about the  _ kid’s master chef  _ show they were watching; betting on contestants.

“I think you’re just racist. And a little drunk.” Alex joked at his rosy cheeked friend whose eyes were glazed over and looking up at him from the spot he was sitting at on the floor, back pressed to where the couch legs are.

“Bro I’m  _ tellin’  _ you.” pointing a finger at alex. “Okay.. I’m  _ a little _ stoned too.” Alex threw him a look. “Okay maybe _ a lot  _ stoned.”

“I’m getting a beer, and you a glass of water.” Alex got up from the couch, pointing his finger back to meet John’s.

Alex re entered the room with a bottle of sam adams and a bottle of water, looking confused when he saw John had his phone in his hand.

“ _ Dude _ .” John didn’t look up from the phone.

“What?” he didn’t care, he had nothing to hide, he set down the water and cracked open the beer, “drink,  _ Johnathan _ .” but John didn’t look up from the phone, Alex decided to take the phone from him; his mouth went dry when he saw what John had discovered.

“ _ Bro _ .”

“I can explain.” 

 

_ From: TJmaxx- _

_ “Can we just talk? You can’t just keep ignoring me.” _

**6 unread messages from: ‘TJmaxx’**

**4 missed calls from: ‘TJmaxx’**

 

Alex just sighed pinched the bridge of his nose “Okay so I  _ might  _ gotten myself a little too deep with someone.”

“ _ Alexander _ .”

“Okay! Okay!” Alex paced a little bit then continued. “You know who I’ve been telling you about since I even got this job? Jefferson?”

“Oh yeah, Jefershit.” John laughed

“ Well… back in september I might have uh…”

“Don’t tell me you two....” John locks eyes with him, Alex gulps and looks back at John. “Oh my  _ god _ !” he erupted with laughter, throwing his head back. “Is this why you cut your hair? Having a T-Swift moment?” John ruffled Alex’s now short hair as he continued to cry-laugh.

Alex rolled his eyes and ignored that last comment “Don’t laugh at me! Dude this is bad!” Alex couldn’t help but laugh a little too. John laughed for a hot minute, hitting his knee and started to cough; tears collecting in his eyes.

“How did  _ that  _ even happen between you two?” John chuckled as he started to calm down, wiping his eyes.

“Okay so do you want gross details or keep it pg?”

“Hmmm, gimme the medium, like… pg-13.”

“Okay so you know how I finally got my debt plan through after months and months of arguing with Thomas?” Alex crossed his arms with one hand on his face.

“You call him Thomas?” John giggled, Alex ignored that and continued.

“I got an idea after a strange conversation about furniture with Burr, and to make a long fucking story short…  _ WeFuckedInHisOfficeAfterHours _ .” John sipped his water and screwed his eyes shut trying not to laugh. “And… it was such a good fuck that we mutually agreed to keep 

“Can you now tell me why Thomas  _ fucking  _ Jefferson, your arch enemy is texting you trying to convince you that he meant what exactly?”

“Well we sort of have an arrangement…” Alexander gestures with his hands. “And now He thinks he’s in love with me.” he sighs again.

“Jesus fucking christ, this is  _ gold _ .”

“Anyway… as we’ve been _ fooling around  _ for the past couple months…” Alex trailed off, “The last time we…  _ did stuff  _ he told me he  _ loved me _ .”

“Oh great.” John huffed sarcastically.

“Right in the middle of us... _ Doing stuff _ .” Alex sat down and took a gulp of beer.

“Oh  _ man _ .” John looked back at him “Do you think he actually has feelings for you?”

“Yeah, I can tell, it all makes sense now that I think about it.” Alex shrugged. “He’s been all  _ weird _ .”

“ _ Well _ , do you… do you also… have feelings for him?”

“No, I- _Thomas_? No way… I only fucked him to get my debt plan through! And it fucking _worked!_ _What the Hell-_ and now I...” Alex’s eyes met the floor and after a moment he said “I don’t know.”

“Oh my god,  _ dude _ .”

“I know, I know.” Alex put threw his hands up. “I just…  _ I don’t know.. _ .” 

Thomas’ warm smile and laughed appeared in his mind, his smell; the earthy and clean scent that drew him  _ closer and closer- _

“Alex you really need to get your shit together man.” 

John stood up and took the beer from Alex’s hand. “ _ But for now _ , It’s time to make bad life decisions.” John smiled at him and chugged the rest of the beer. “Let’s have another fuckin’ round bitches!” he yelled halfway out of the door of the apartment.

Alexander just sighed and got up to follow him.

* * *

 

_ Welcome back to the adventures of grown men not understanding feelings… _

 

Thomas could only focus on his breathing, that's all he had to do to survive. If he didn’t then the burning of his lungs would start to settle in, then the burning of his legs, then the emotional pain would start, and once it starts…

_ No _

He stopped and looked at his surroundings, he left the apartment  _ god knows _ how long ago. His hands firmly planted on his kneecaps, Thomas’ heavy breathing matched the blood rushing in his ears.

Lights and people flooded his sights, even at 1 am this city never did sleep like everyone always said. He was just running, no place specifically, just  _ going _ . He needed to get his mind right, so he ran. He knew it wasn’t the best idea to be running by yourself with no goal at almost 2 am in downtown manhattan, but the thought of getting hurt didn’t cross his mind. All he could focus on is his breathing. He decided it was probably best to go back home and  _ not  _ get murdered, and started going in the direction of his apartment; still panting.

He was walking past an empty alleyway that was only lit by a yellowish dim street light when he heard shuffling. Curiously, Thomas looked to the alleyway where the noise was coming from and saw a couple pushed against the brick wall kissing very roughly;. He could obviously tell that neither of them were anywhere near sober. 

Thomas didn’t stare, he just went to keep walking when something peaked his interest, more of a  _ sound… _

_ Was that..? Oh my god- _

“ _ Alexander? _ ”

The two figures looked over at him, the man next to Alexander had long curly hair and a confused and annoyed expression, Alexander put his hand up to him and waved him off.

“It’s okay John, I know him.” Alex sighed and stumbled away from the wall he was previously 

pressed to, John followed. Thomas almost didn’t recognize him with the shockingly short hair, he gawked just a little (a lot).

“Jesus christ, It’s like two toddlers in love..” Thomas said under his breath

“Can’t you see I’m busy?” slurred, grabbing onto John’s collar and giggled a little, Pulling him close.

“Alexander, come here, I’ll take you home.” Thomas sighed, taking two steps toward him.

“ _ No _ .” Thomas stopped “I don’t  _ want  _ to!” Alex yelled

_ That’s a first _ ,Thought sarcastically. “Alex, you are way too drunk to give consent. C’mon.”

“No! I’m done doing what you tell me!” he yelled and pushed Thomas’ chest pathetically with both hands. Alexander was a relatively small man, even if he didn’t like to admit it. He was about 5’5 and 124 pounds, so really small compared to Thomas (The minimum of four visits to the gym a week and the rippling abs helped too). Picking up Alexander was easy work, his hands pounded on thomas’ back to No avail of course. He was pretty wasted so John just waved him off and went home, Alexander fell asleep on Thomas’ shoulder at some point.

He woke up to being sat down on a bed, Thomas’ to be exact. Alexander looked at the max of curls next to his knee, Thomas was kneeling on the floor untying his shoes.

“Are we going to have sex now?” Alexander laid back onto the bed, was still very intoxicated and you could hear it in his voice.   
“No!  _ God  _ no,  _ Alex _ ..” Thomas trailed off and sighed, placing his shoes on the floor. He eventually stood after a minute and stopped in the doorway. “Get some sleep Hamilton.”

* * *

 

“May I ask why Alexander Hamilton is asleep on your bed and you slept out here.” James’ voice jerked Thomas’ out of his sleep.

“Oh  _ jesus… _ ” Thomas’ sat up and rubbed his face. “Well when I went out last night, I found him in a not so great part of town while blackout drunk, he was practically humping this guy’s leg in an alleyway.” he looked up at james “I couldn’t just leave him there, I wanted to make sure he didn’t get hurt… so I brought him here.”

  
“You know what? _ I don’t wanna even know. _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OkaySoIt'sBeenAlmostAMonthPlsDon'tHurtMe
> 
> Also: Alexander's new hair is literally just Lin's current hair lmao.


	4. Crawlin' Back To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The James Madison chapter literally nobody asked for, also, a twist??? I promise I'll be nice to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so it's been a boiling hot minute since I updated, please spare me. I am so sorry, I will try to do better, I really REALLY appreciate every single person that reads this. so enjoy this. <3

Jealousy is a strong force, dangerous often times. There’s a reason why it’s characterized as slimy and green, selfish; Jealousy is a stronger emotion than love, as much as many would not like to believe that. while love can possibly, and more often than not, destroy relationships. But love destroys much differently than jealousy does, heartbreak feels like being stabbed, jealousy is a searing and burning pain; a vehement hurt compared to heartbreak’s dull ache.

 

James Madison had come to know jealousy like a  _ friend  _ almost, like a friend who isn’t  _ really  _ a friend. Similar to a pair of acquainted people that secretly both kind of hate each other, yet the two continue to actively go out of their own ways to be in each others presence; for no apparent reason, _ fate  _ almost. Fate is funny like that sometimes, not  _ actually  _ funny, really. Not funny at all in James’ case, more  _ depressing _ .

A series of unfortunate events led him to where he is now, in love with his best friend, who  _ speaking of which,  _ is madly in love with his own _ mortal enemy _ . That, is a whole nother’ can of worms  _ but now, _ here he is, distantly wondering  _ how the hell _ he even got to this point. The point of standing in the vegetable section, inspecting a carrot in his palm and thinking about his life choices; how he had gotten to this point. It was all too much, the thoughts, the memories. It was all so,  _ vivid _ . He could see Thomas’ bed head and that toothy, genuine grin. James could practically smell his shave gel and hair shampoo, if the man was anything, he was clean.

That’s one of many things about Thomas that he absolutely adored, he was so fresh and clean  _ all the time. _ Always well dressed, well groomed,  _ maintained _ . Thomas could make the head fashion director look outdated, the man had  _ style _ .

That’s one of the many,  _ many  _ reasons why James didn’t understand Thomas’ attraction to Hamilton, of all people,  _ Hamilton _ . A greasy, immoral, bastard, Thomas’ complete  _ opposite _ . Why, would such a sweet, talented, kind man like Thomas ever even give an anomaly like Hamilton even a second glance. 

James was promptly withdrawn from his life contemplation when a young man with a green apron on tapped him on the shoulder.

“Sir, i’m afraid we’re closing soon, I would be happy to check you out.” he smiled.

“Uh, yeah, okay, thanks.” he followed the employee to the checkouts.

Stressed doesn’t begin to do justice to James’ mood, he hadn’t done in year  _ but _ …

“Pack of camels, thanks.” The cashier scans the small white box and hands in to James, who immediately guiltily pockets it. 

The cashier finishes bagging his items.

“Have a goodnight!” James doesn’t say anything back and just leaves, brain too in knots for a response.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ Ba dunk, Ba dunk, Ba dunk _ … the soft rattle of the subway cars stirred John’s sleep. Bright lights reminded him where he was, the subway station, he doesn’t know how or when he got here;  _ this isn’t an unusual occurrence _ . He sat up and looked around, he didn’t know what time it was but the place was pretty bare, he caught a glimpse of a sign then strained his eyes to see it.

_ 181st _ …

He slowly got up from the plastic seats that proved detrimental to his back support and started making his way to the escalator, his head pounded as he jogged up the stairs. Pushing past the crowds and globs of people in the busy station, even though it was  _ god knows crack of stupid _ , the place was absolutely  _ packed _ . He found a public bathroom, he immediately splashed lukewarm water on his face, sighing into his hands. John suddenly remembered why he woke up on a subway bench. He went out drinking with Alexander then… _ fuck, what happened again?  _ John couldn’t even remember.

To be fair, he was still a little drunk if he was being honest, but it didn’t really matter right now. John only knew one person that he could call right now that wouldn’t ask any questions, so he pulled out his  _ actively about to die  _ cellphone. Three sharp hums then…

“ _ Hello? _ ” a gravelly high pitched voice emerged, coated in drowsiness and doused in confusion. 

“Heyyyy Elizaaaa..” John inwardly cringed.

“John? What in _ god’s name _ are you calling me at..  _ 4:34 am _ for?”

“Haha, well, uh… funny story but I don’t really know where I am but I need a ride and a place to sleep.” John heard a sigh and a small groan.

“Fine, I’ll ping your cell and text you where I’m picking you up.”

Then he heard the familiar monotone ring of the line being dropped without another word, the word relief couldn't do John justice at that moment. Then a  _ buzz _ , he looked down at the dimly lit screen to see a text from dearest Elizabeth:

_ I’m picking you up in front of the south side whole foods where we saw that one guy get stabbed. _

 

Eliza always was the realest.

 

So John wasted no time getting to the hipster-vegan esk storefront, walking down the livid and bright streets of Washington heights. He leaned against the glass front window of the grocery store, then John heard a bell, signifying that someone had opened the store’s door; he looked over to the noise. 

The man that came out was wrestling with a small white cigarette box, hands visibly shaking and if looks could kill, John’s pretty sure that the stranger would be doing life  _ and then some _ . When he gets the box open, he digs into his pockets and then his back pocket, then his breast pocket then...

“Well fuck me then.” John hears the exasperated stranger shallowly swear under his breath.

“Need a light?” John smiles at the man, who just looks back at him for a moment.

“Uh, yes, thank you.” John fishes his lime green lighter out of his back pocket and the stranger puts the rolled up paper to his mouth and leans closer to the miniature inferno.

“Think I could bum one?” John plays with the end of the lighter in his fingers.   
“Yeah, sure.” he slides another stick out of the box and holds it out to john between his index and middle fingers. John once again flicks the lighter on, taking a puff out of the cigarette.

“It’s funny I don’t even smoke anymore, I haven’t for 6 years. And for the past 4 years, it hasn’t really ever crossed my mind that much.” the man laughed bitterly.

“Stress is funny like that, man. You think you’re over something, but then... You feel like you’re right back where you started.” John took a long drag from the cigarette. “Unfortunately my addiction isn’t something I can just walk away from.” John looked a little down the street, he knew Eliza wouldn’t be here for a while.

“A person?” the man inquired.

“Bingo.” John replied, emphasizing the  _ ‘o’ _ .

“Well, then, nicotine habits aren’t the only thing we have in common.” John looked over at the stranger, who was already looking at him.

“What’s she like?” John asked the man.

“ _ Totally _ oblivious, for one, and.. Just..  _ brilliant _ .” he sighed. “Yours?”

“Not  _ totally  _ oblivious, we had a thing once. A long, long time ago... I just never got over it, really just my own fault. He’s just… indescribable almost, smartest person I’ve ever met, just  _ so… _ ”

“ _ Dumb? _ ” the man finishes John’s thought.

John laughs “yeah… that’s it.”

They stand in comfortable silence for a few moments, then a  scratched up black kia pulls to a screeching stop in front of them.

Then a window is rolled down “Get in before I leave your sorry ass.” 

“Welp, that’s my ride, nice meeting you..?”

“James.” the no longer stranger, provides.

“John.” he smiles and turns to get into the vehicle, before the temperamental driver leaves him.

 

* * *

 

 

 

James left the room while shaking his head, he muttered something along the lines of “ _ Fucking Hamilton..you goddamn people... _ ”

Thomas sighed and slumped back down against the couch, he rubbed his face with his hands.

_ God, what was he even doing? _

He finally decided that coffee would be the best course of action for this  _ fine  _ Saturday morning. Thomas pulled down the glass jug that james insisted they put it into ( _ instead of the perfectly fine plastic container it comes in _ ) down from the cupboard. The soft rumble of the machine and the  _ drip, drip _ of the coffee hitting the pot filled the kitchen. Thomas pulled out a mug for the mahogany liquid, it said  _ ‘They Call Me Daddy’  _ in big black, bolded letters. Thomas had procured the truly magnificent gift on Christmas, from Madison, earlier that year; _ the year that he spent with Alexander _ .

Alexander doesn’t have any family, and Thomas technically does but they _no longer_ _will associate with him and his “kind”._ Madison went back to Virginia to visit a family that actually does still accept him and Alexander came over for a couple days, they made hot chocolate and trimmed the tree together. Kissed and giggled soft nothings to each other in bed with tangled legs, fingers running through Alexander's’ hair, swollen pink lips brushing. it was never weird, because they never _made_ it weird; it was just _there_.

Thomas heard a door click from down the hall, he was snapped out of the warm memory. Then appeared a disheveled Alexander, severely hungover and half naked. he was only wearing a pair of boxers and one sock, one oddly bare and the other covered.

Thomas only realized he was staring when Alexander shot him a look, “Nothing you surely haven’t seen before…” he mumbled;  _ he was right, couldn’t argue that one… _

“Uh, Yeah.. there’s coffee, and Tylenol on the counter, and the shower is  _ more  _ than welcome for use.” Thomas sipped from his mug.

“Thanks.”

Thomas went back into his room, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and that one purple hoodie he knows Alex likes best.

“Here, now  _ please  _ for god sake,  _ shower _ .” Thomas dramatically plopped down the folded clothes on the counter with an exasperated sigh. Alexander looked up from the navy coffee mug that his nose was buried in, He nods.

“You’re probably right.” he takes another long sip, sets the cup down next to where Thomas’ was. He grabbed the clothes and sort of stumble-walked to the bathroom, shutting the door he exhaled and rubbed his eyes.

He looked in the mirror,  _ damn _ .

_ How much did I drink last night? Fuck when even I can tell I look like shit, it’s pretty bad _ …

Alexander thought to himself as he turned the shower on, he knew exactly how it worked, he knew the towels were under the sink, he knew that Thomas kept his extra special favorite hair mousse (That he knew Thomas only used for special stuff, like court or  _ clubbing _ ) on the bottom shelf. Alexander suddenly realized that he knew more about Thomas than he originally thought. He knew his favorite cereal (it was  _ life  _ and Alexander thought that was very boring but  _ endearing _ , old and classic. It suited him well, that was kind of his style,  _ old and classic _ .). He knew there was a birthmark on Thomas’ left hip bone, and if he licked it slowly, Thomas’ whole body would shudder. Alexander knew him so well and he didn’t even realize it, he wondered if Thomas knew him (or even cared to) anywhere near as well;  _ probably not _ .

Alexander rubbed him shoulder, slick with hot water, it was…  _ sore _ ..? He glanced to the side and almost fell over at the sight of purple, blue, and red marks all over him left shoulder. If he was right with the feeling of soreness, apparent now all on his shoulder and traveling up his neck; they were  _ everywhere _ .

Alexander closed his eyes and gave a small pray to whoever was out there, and looked down, thank god, the marks were at the collar bone and above. After thanking his lucky stars for the hundredth time, he turned off the water and tried his darnedest to remember the author of the colorful spots.

_ He remembered telling John about Thomas, getting to the bar… bits and pieces of John and him taking shots… oh god. The alley, the kissing… Thomas…? Shit _ .

Since his hair was short now, the shower didn’t take much longer. Alexander just threw the hoodie and sweatpants on after drying off,combing his fingers roughly styling his hair.

_ Does he actually love me? _

This wasn’t the first time the thought crept its’ way into Alex’s mind, no matter how hard he kicked it out every time it somehow managed to slither in his brain, like a disease. Only this time, he didn’t kick it out, he stopped to think.

 

He could have just left me in that alley with John, we were so drunk who  _ knows  _ what could have happened. He gave me the hoodie he  _ knows  _ I like best, he does  _ small  _ things sometimes… He  _ checks  _ in on me…  _ oh my god, oh fuck… I think I might, jesus christ. _

 

Alexander straightens the collar of the fuchsia colored hood, feeling  _ much  _ more awake. He practically trips over to open the bathroom door, he falters and tries to look casual. Alexander walks to the counter and leans back against it slightly, the heels of his palms against the cold granite top, sits on the bar style stool and looks at Thomas’. He’s turned with his back to Alexander, sleeves rolled up and washing dishes, he sees the two mugs sitting face down on a towel to dry.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know…” Alexander breaks the tense, but not awkward silence.

“Nah, it’s fine, I needed coffee and I was already washing some stuff already anyways.” Thomas replied while not pausing a fraction.

“Not  _ that _ , I mean  _ that  _ too,  _ but- _ ” he stops, pursing his lips. “Last night… with John and everything...” Alex trails off, the edges of his sleeves seeming very interesting at the moment. “How did you even know it was me? It was really dark.” Alexander chuckled.

“I heard a very  _ familiar  _ sound, so I stopped, and…  _ there you were _ .” he set a bowl face down on the towel, not turning or moving his gaze at all, Alex’s neck felt very hot and the heat was crawling up his face.

“You could’ve just left and I don’t think I would even blame you for doing so after…  _ everything _ …” he sniffed and rubbed his nose anxiously.

Thomas stops, the  _ clink  _ of a dish being put down is heard, Alexander is suddenly nervous; Thomas wipes his hands on the sides of his jeans and turns around.

“Alexander…”

“I  _ know _ , I was sad and I  _ messed  _ up.” Alexander didn’t make eye contact.

“ _ Alexander _ .” Thomas took a step.

He just put a hand up and said “I know that I’m kind of a fuck up sometimes, a lot of the time and I’m sorry about that. I just wanted to say thank you because I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve someone so…  _ inadvertently _ , frankly-  _ nice _ .” Alexander felt himself tearing up but pushed it down because he was just so  _ tired  _ of  _ crying  _ all the  _ goddamn  _ time. “It’s just everything in my life has just been going so downhill lately, you know?”  _ A beat. _

“Everyday I tell myself  ‘oh yeah, everything is going to work out, tomorrow will be better and things will get better soon.’” he says in a higher pitched, almost mocking voice, his hands shifting slightly. “but I’m lying to myself and I know it. Everyday things just continue to get worse and worse… I honestly don’t even know what to do about it anymore…” Alexander laughed bitterly, a handful of tears collected in his eyes.

“ _ Alexander- _ ” Thomas came even closer, they were at about an arms’ length. Hamilton cuts him off again before Thomas can say anything more.

“I’m  _ so sorry _ I should have talked to you sooner and-”  _ I love you _ , Three words that would have rolled off his tongue effortlessly if not for being interrupted. Three words he so  _ desperately  _ wanted to scream at him now that he’s wasted all this time  _ not  _ saying them,

Thomas griped both of Alexander’ shoulders and stopped his incoherent apology with a 

“ _Jesus Christ!_ ” Thomas shook him slightly “It’s _okay_! I forgive you.” he smiled weakly at Alex. “As much as I would not want to admit any of this… I’m going to do it because I can’t keep up this cat and mouse games of feelings, alright? So..  I just gotta say that I would do literally anything to keep you safe, if that means toting your drunk ass home, and feeding you caffeine… then, it is what it is.” _exhale_ “There is no time limit I wouldn’t wait for even an acknowledgement from you, even though I _told myself_ that this isn’t the way this would go… it’s going that way. And you know what? Life is too goddamn short to be doing this shit.” Alexander’s eyes are surprised and looking up at him, Thomas’ meets his. “I’m going to take a leap of faith here because… You know? _Why not?_ Why waste time? I’m going to say what I feel, no matter what the consequences are and I’m not going to apologize for doing so.”

“ _ I love you, _ I can honestly say that I am one hundred percent, embarrassingly, ‘ _ pretend to like your taste in music’ in love with you. _ ” Thomas made air quotes with his fingers. “I  _ love  _ the way that you silently judge people when they put creamer into their coffee, I  _ love  _ the way you over use semicolons; for no apparent reason. And fucking hell, Alexander as much as I don’t want to be,  _ I am in love with you. _ There is nothing that I wouldn’t do to keep you safe so,  _ stop apologizing. _ ” Thomas sighed and looked at Alexander’s shocked expression “whether or not you believe me is up to you, it is also up to you if you _ ‘can do this’ _ or not; because I am not wasting another minute playing these games.” Thomas looked at him expectantly.

 

“Marry me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like I said, SPARE ME, I promise I'll try to be nice to them. Also, kudos if you noticed the not so subtle in the heights reference "181st street... take the escalator."
> 
> yell at me on Tumblr: https://mcd111a03.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mcd111a03


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